A blinking mess….
So I have discovered this morning. A few weeks ago – actually a month or two now it seems (how time flies when you are enjoying yourself!) I attended a WI Meeting in Bath, where we undertook some writing – fictional writing – guided by two enthusiastic ladies, Alex and Jude, from Writing Events Bath
A lightbulb moment went on after my initial resistance (not intentionally you understand, but my internal editor was having “one” of those sort of days..) As my pen started racing across the page I realised two things:-
1. I rarely write anything nowadays with a pen, always at a computer; and
2. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually wrote any fiction (unlike some of those around me who spend their days writing fiction to which I have to respond with fact.. sort of blows the moment really….!!)
I filed those two thoughts away as I finished the evening, with two or three quite interesting little vignettes down on paper, the words, characters and places of which, interested me so much that they have haunted that empty space at the back of my brain (the bit labelled on the door with the sign “To Do”) and I am motivated to want to visit them again! So, as I work on the theory if something interests me, it will probably interest someone else in the world, I shall do so…
In the meantime though, faced with an ever increasing and urgent burden of emptying the crap from the past 10 years from my living environment – I choose the words carefully it isn’t my home, it hasn’t been for years, not since the first threats to remove it to pay the care costs (which weren’t even my debt to pay, but that didn’t stop the threats and the hurt). This is a self-imposed burden now – I refuse to be nagged at and judged by outside forces, but on the other hand it is quite overwhelming being surrounded by quite a bit of stuff which is either redundant or not even mine. Up and until the last few months there seemed little point in just moving an object from A-B and then back again for the sake of appearances. That said, we now have some movement and places for things to go – so that is what they are doing.
But that still left the problem of MY DESK…..
I write, clear, write and ponder, and write again – that has been my writing routine for years. This has gone well by the wayside over the last four years though – I am starting to dread sitting at the desk as it is time wasted dealing with things that are not mine to deal with and I can’t resolve anyway. So this morning was different…..
I started this morning by finding a book that has inspired me for years, well it would have done if I had ever opened the cover and read it (but the picture is good and it acts as a reminder…!!!.) called The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron . Still not actually reading it, but remembering from the dim distant past something about Morning Pages, I started writing….
What did I do differently to normal? I did NOT SWITCH COMPUTER ON…. just wrote, until the urge to clear the shelves in front of me became unbearable…
Three pages is the magic number, but nobody tells you how big those pages have to be so I located some loose leaf paper (part of the StashBash I am doing – working on stuff I have rather than buying new…!!!) and wrote quite a sensible rant based on the frustrations of visiting National Trust Places to access their publicised events, but as the one yesterday turned out, isn’t even going to happen until July 2016 !!!!
I still didn’t manage any fiction, but I have chucked out a bag of pathetically righteous books (badly written and only fathomable I suspect by the unquestioning disciples of that way of living – I shall say no more, not for fear of offending, just can’t cope with anymore confrontation – I have a write to free choice – the misspelling intentional ! )
More importantly I found countless bits of “stuff” that are fairly vital to my life and I had thought I had lost….!!
But around me, I am sat now in a mass of papers, bits of memories, bus and cinema tickets, photos – all which meant something at the time, but now really just reflect a lost or missing moment or memory – did I mention my memory has gone kaput in the past few months as well?
To end on a chirpy note….
I did get the picture painted, in between rain, yesterday that I started two years ago or so, before being badly and very rudely interrupted by a Case Manager dragging me back to sort out her mess with Toby’s move from Rehabilitation into the community. I was so cross about that… can you tell? !!
It seemed fitting that I was able to back to A La Ronde yesterday, as Toby has now moved into his permanent home that he has been able to buy with his compensation – only taken two years. This time though the move was undertaken professionally and with far less stress (and damage to my health !!) He is thrilled, we are thrilled, and now we can move on with getting his stuff back to him, and our stuff can be found !! Win, Win and even more of a Win….
We went on to Exmouth and I found some space to paint the sea, discovered a new mix of colours which accurately represented the shades before me.
I did both paintings in under 10 minutes each – quick sketches which pleased ME… that was their sole purpose in the world and why I share them with you….
Writing my pages this morning, with pen and ink in hand, no computer and quiet all around, I realised that doing this could buy me some space to think and sort my own brain out, and allow my creative brain to come out to play with words again, just as I do with colour….
I can only paint the way I do nowadays because of the sheer amount of practice, experimentation and general mistake making that I have undertaken as what I try to paint the way I am being taught… but finding it doesn’t work for me, I have emerged the other side with my own style and methods – my own voice.
The same with my writing – it seems that I have been wallowing around in the sinking sand and mud pools of life for too long….
What a blinkin mess….. but at least I think I have found a way to straighten it up…..
Further Links of Interest: